I have learnt a lot about myself recently. I am a sexual person, for instance, and I thought that I was wrong for identifying as asexual because I get horny, and because I’ve had sex, and because I like sex. I’m not wrong.
Asexuality isn’t the lack of a sex drive, it’s lack of sexual attraction. I am not sexually attracted to men or women, thus I am asexual. I still want sex though, I’ve figured out that I don’t need to be sexually attracted to someone to fuck them, I mean, that’s what I’ve been doing for nearly six years now.
Fucking can be passionate, raw and heart-stopping, but I needn’t be emotional about it. I don’t want to have sex searching for emotional connection anymore. I will have sex with any man, I guess, but for the ones I care about.
I want to separate sex and emotion so that if I have sex it’s guttural, instinctive, passionate and emotionless. I want sex to be something to do to pass the time, like knitting or watching tv. I want sex simply as an outlet for sexual tension, like wanking with another person basically.
I want to have intense emotional relationships with friends and family. I want to grow attached to people I care about based on pure emotion, like I normally do with women, e.g I won’t try to befriend a woman because she’s sexy, rather because I like her personality. I want to be the same with possible ‘partners’ I want every emotional relationship I have to be platonic. I do want a person to be intimate and affectionate with, but not leading to sex.
All in all, I want to have a commited, deep, emotional and platonic relationship with one person, and a large circle of friends, but I also want to have random sex with strangers… Is that having your cake and eating it too?